Whatever happened to post

M: Jazzy, can you turn down the TV for a sec?
Jazzy: I could...
M: Ok. Well, will you?
Jazzy: Seems unlikely.
M: Come on. It's important. We need to talk about next door's mail.
Jazzy: Next door don't get any mail.
M: Yes, that's what Mr Burrow's worried about...they were expecting a package.
Jazzy: Talk to the postman.
M: We did.
Jazzy: Then you know he's a fraud.
M:...
Jazzy: I never heard back from the North Pole.
M:...
Jazzy: I signed for it, so it's mine.

Lots of love

Jazzy: I'm in love!
M: What?
Jazzy: I am.
M: Because last time you thought you were in love, they had to stop a parade.
Jazzy: It's not like that...
M: You took out a Chinese dragon. To get to the candy floss. There were kids.
Jazzy: But now I have butterflies in my stomach.
M: Aww, ok. Who from?
Jazzy: From the garden.
M:....
Jazzy: Love tastes weird. Got any candy floss?

Unicorn advice

M: I just don't know if he likes me or if he's a smiler.
Jazzy: Hmmm..
M: Or maybe he's a cad. Which is kind of both, but not in a good way.
Jazzy: Both, definitely.
M: You think? Damn.
Jazzy: Def-initely. Both sides are my good side.
M: ....
Jazzy: There are no bad colours in a rainbow.
Me: We were talking about me.
Jazzy: OH. Always left.

Jane Austen comebacks

“At first you seemed like an arrogrant arsehole, but then I thought I was wrong about you. But then I realised I have good instincts.”

“If Mr Collins, Lady Catherine De Bourgh and Caroline Bingley had a party, it would be this.”

“I'll play the pianoforte at your funeral.”

“I think I saw your true love out in that storm! Yes- keep going! He's definitely out there...”

"I don't date people that take my inheritance. As a rule."

"Yes, I'm a great reader. It keeps me from dying of small talk."

Fancy Snacks

Me: Jazzy, are you ready?
Jazzy: Hold on!
Me: Wait, are you in the kitchen? Come on, we were meant to be there ages ago...What're you doing?
Jazzy: Finishing my costume.
Me: ...I thought we were going as snack food.
Jazzy: Ta-da.
Me: You're covered in icing sugar.
Jazzy: I'm sweet-corn!
Me: Great. I'm going to be a pretzel next to baking-gone-wrong.

Unicorns and football

Jazzy: OFFSIDE.

M: No, it’s not.

Jazzy: Yes, it is. It’s off the side.

M: That’s not what offside means, Jazzy…

Jazzy: Lalalalalala.

M: Offside is when the opposing team pass-

Jazzy: Lalalalala.

M: - past the… Oh, fine. I’m going to get a biscuit.

Jazzy: OFFSIDE. 

New dictionary words 2015

Throwned. 

verb. : For those moments when the Game of Thrones gets played exceptionally well. Outstanding work with the betrayal, guys.
 

Prosbeque.

Origin : Prospect. Barbeque. Noun. : No-one say anything. The sun appears to be coming towards us. If we stand close enough, there could be hotdogs. "I might have everyone over for a prosbeque. Oh shit, too soon."
 

Hatlantis.

Noun. : The realm that summer hats escape to when they've had enough. Synonyms: back of the wardrobe, under the bed, some dry cave somewhere.

 

Unicornucopia.

Noun. : A land of polite, good-natured unicorns; far from reality.