Unicorn meets Boyfriend 2

Jazzy: How would you feel if I called you Pinky?
Eric: Why would you do that?
Jazzy: We went to a petting zoo and I liked the name.
Eric: Maybe next time you'll be left there.
Jazzy: Calm down, Pinky.

How do you vote?

Jazzy; So then you put the X on the paper?
M: Yes
Jazzy: And you hide it in a box?
M: We don't hide-
Jazzy: Like pirates.
M: No, for anonymity and security, not like pirates.
Jazzy: Well not in any of the cool ways.
M: What are the cool ways exactly?
Jazzy: What's the treasure?
M: It's not treasure. It's the democratic process and having your voice heard.
Jazzy: Exactly...

Unicorn and the meet-cute

Jazzy: So how did you two meet?
Eric: Well-
M: I veto that question.
Jazzy: It took three Garden Centre trips to get you a cactus.
M: Because you road-tested them by jousting and I-
Eric: We met speed-dating, actually.
Jazzy: Right, right. Small doses.

Changing the channel

M: Can we change the channel?
Jazzy: *holds up hooves*
M: Sorry, I'll change it. Where's the big remote?
Jazzy: *holds up hooves*
M: Ok, I'll look for it later. How was your day?
Jazzy: *holds up hooves*
M: You can't just keep doing that!
Jazzy: *shrugs*

Glowing Part 2

M: So you're glowing because...?
Jazzy: I'm happy, of course.
M: Awwww, oh Jazzy. I'm so glad. I know it's been an adjustment for us both but I think we've finally settled into a routine and- wait, you've stopped glowing.
Jazzy: I'm out of ice cream.

Glowing Part 1

M: Did you forget to turn off the lights in the kitchen agai- whoa, you're glowing!
Jazzy: Unicorns can do that.
M: But...why?
Jazzy: Do I ask you why your knees make that creaky sound?
M: Yes. Except you asked me if I was Pinocchio.

Second warning

Police: Sorry to interrupt, but we're investigating a series of threatening notes left in the area.

Me: Oh god. 

Police: We believe it may just be a prank gone wrong.

Me: Oh?

Police: They all read “Tell me what you did last summer.”

Jazzy: And people were scared by that?

Police: Yes.

Jazzy: Hmm...I should've said please shouldn't I?

Police: …..

Me: …..

Jazzy: I was looking for holiday recommendations!

Police: Frankly, that is a baffling use of postcards. And I had my money on you. That'll be a fine and a warning, I'm afraid.

Me: *furious silence*

Jazzy: Come on! People normally can't shut up about holidays... I just don't like the actual talking.

Fine wines

M: I feel old. Not old old. Just not exactly young.

Jazzy: You know I heard someone on TV say something about...aging like a fine wine.

M: Hmm...

Jazzy: Yeh. You just stick it in a cabinet until it turns up on Cash in the Attic.

Boyfriend meets unicorn

M: Ok- you wanted to meet my boyfriend. So he's coming over for dinner in a bit.

Jazzy: Finally.

M: Be nice.

Jazzy: O-k. Did you tell him to be nice too?

M: He is. And that's him- Eric!

Jazzy: You don't look like an Eric.

Eric: Cheers. You look um...very sparkly.

Jazzy: Want to play a game, Eric?

Eric: Sure.

M: …..

Eric: Ah, you're getting the light in my eyes!

Jazzy: You're meant to chase it. He's not very quick, is he?

M: Jazzy, Put. The torch. Down. 

Jazzy: This is why cats are a better option.

Family anecdon't

M: Jazzy, I'm having some family over this weekend.
Jazzy: Well, hooray for you.
M: I know yours are the other side of the rainbow...
Jazzy: Yours can't even sing a rainbow.
M: See- I think it might be best if you were out...doing something distracting...
Jazzy: Oh, so I'm not even allowed in my own house anymore.
M: It's not your-
Jazzy: You invited me to stay, didn't you?
M: Actually, I...
Jazzy: And your brother? He gets to be in the house?
M: He'll be here, yes.
Jazzy: The one that tried to ride me?
M: I said I was sorry. He's an idiot. And you didn't have to gallop through that hedge, you know.
Jazzy: I couldn't hear your directions over the screaming.

Unicorns are real

Neighbour: WHOA- I didn't think unicorns existed...
Jazzy: Did you know that you're talking out loud?
Neighbour: You talk!
Jazzy: And gore mercilessly.

Whatever happened to post

M: Jazzy, can you turn down the TV for a sec?
Jazzy: I could...
M: Ok. Well, will you?
Jazzy: Seems unlikely.
M: Come on. It's important. We need to talk about next door's mail.
Jazzy: Next door don't get any mail.
M: Yes, that's what Mr Burrow's worried about...they were expecting a package.
Jazzy: Talk to the postman.
M: We did.
Jazzy: Then you know he's a fraud.
M:...
Jazzy: I never heard back from the North Pole.
M:...
Jazzy: I signed for it, so it's mine.

Lots of love

Jazzy: I'm in love!
M: What?
Jazzy: I am.
M: Because last time you thought you were in love, they had to stop a parade.
Jazzy: It's not like that...
M: You took out a Chinese dragon. To get to the candy floss. There were kids.
Jazzy: But now I have butterflies in my stomach.
M: Aww, ok. Who from?
Jazzy: From the garden.
M:....
Jazzy: Love tastes weird. Got any candy floss?

Unicorn advice

M: I just don't know if he likes me or if he's a smiler.
Jazzy: Hmmm..
M: Or maybe he's a cad. Which is kind of both, but not in a good way.
Jazzy: Both, definitely.
M: You think? Damn.
Jazzy: Def-initely. Both sides are my good side.
M: ....
Jazzy: There are no bad colours in a rainbow.
Me: We were talking about me.
Jazzy: OH. Always left.

Magic

Me: How does your mane glisten like that?

Jazzy: It's magic.

Me: And…where did that tree house come from? Are those turrets?

Jazzy: Magic.

Me: Really? No tools at all…?

Jazzy: Um, magic is my tool.

Me: …because I got the Ebay invoice. And I'm changing my passwords.  

A unicorn warns

Jazzy: I saw you looking at that field.

Me: What? You mean the meadow on the way back from town?

Jazzy: You were looking at the horses, weren't you?

Me: No...

Jazzy: Don't pretend.

Me: There were horses but-

Jazzy: They seem majestic. Just running about in the sun. You like horse riding don't you? You like the idea of trekking through the hills. It's all so peaceful. But you don’t know them like I do.

Me: I assumed horses and unicorns…

Jazzy: Were friends? Sure. It all starts friendly. Until the sun implodes and the four horses of the apocalypse arrive.

Me: I think you mean horsemen?

Jazzy: Oh yeah, humans are always in control. That's why you dribble sometimes.  

Rum is about to have a bad day

Rum: Oh. Hi.

Me: Hey there. How’re you doing?

Rum: What day is this?

Me: Tuesday.

Rum: I don’t normally do Tuesdays.

Me: And we’ve been missing out, my friend. We’re going to do Tuesdays from now on, big-time.

Rum: Ok, cool. We going out? Who’s coming?

Me: Nah. We don’t need people. Tuesdays are Choose Days. And I choose you!

Rum: Right…

Me: Ooh. Ooh. Let’s toast. *gulps* To the guy who’s been with me since Christmas (in the back of that cupboard), tastes grrr-eat with mint, and makes me feel like a pir-ate…

Rum: There’s someone else in here, isn’t there?

White wine: *muffled* Shut up, man. I won’t last the night.

Me: TO RUM! 

Chats with Voldemort

Voldemort: I will be the most powerful wizard that ever lived.

Narrator: Except for one small boy.

Voldemort: Who will soon die.

Narrator: I don't know...he seems tricksy. Like a fly in a window.

Voldemort: But I am all-powerful and immortal, you pathetic muggle. 

Narrator: Yeah- about that. I understand the “not putting all of your soul in one basket” thing but maybe you're spreading yourself a bit thin?

Voldemort: It is the price of absolute power.

Narrator: Really? I thought that was your face.

Voldemort: hiss

Narrator: It's a look. Very scary- I like it. You've just undergone quite a radical change... I mean, when you were Tom Riddle you were handsome and awful-

Voldemort: hiss

Narrator: Alright, alright. Why are evil people so irritable? I wouldn't count on immortality with that blood pressure.

A unicorn and a pet

Jazzy: Who are you? 

Cat: Miiaow.

Jazzy: Ok. I was being polite. Move now.

Cat: Yow…miayow.

Jazzy: How did you get in here? This had better not be one of those toy-come-to-life incidents again.

Cat:

Jazzy: No. You’re not magical. Oh my god- your hair is a mess but that’s not helping. Hey, where’re you going?

Cat:

Jazzy: Wait. You have your own private entrance? I don’t even get a key.

Later

Me: Jazzy, I brought tacos for- what’s that noise? Are you nailing the cat flap shut?

Jazzy: The “cat” was trespassing. You’re welcome. 

Unicorn decor

Jazzy: Nothing. NOTHING. Feels as good as this recliner.

Me: God! Did you re-organise the furniture again?

Jazzy: It's happier this way.

Me: You ripped an arm off the sofa.