Jane Austen comebacks

“At first you seemed like an arrogrant arsehole, but then I thought I was wrong about you. But then I realised I have good instincts.”

“If Mr Collins, Lady Catherine De Bourgh and Caroline Bingley had a party, it would be this.”

“I'll play the pianoforte at your funeral.”

“I think I saw your true love out in that storm! Yes- keep going! He's definitely out there...”

"I don't date people that take my inheritance. As a rule."

"Yes, I'm a great reader. It keeps me from dying of small talk."

Fancy Snacks

Me: Jazzy, are you ready?
Jazzy: Hold on!
Me: Wait, are you in the kitchen? Come on, we were meant to be there ages ago...What're you doing?
Jazzy: Finishing my costume.
Me: ...I thought we were going as snack food.
Jazzy: Ta-da.
Me: You're covered in icing sugar.
Jazzy: I'm sweet-corn!
Me: Great. I'm going to be a pretzel next to baking-gone-wrong.

Unicorns and football

Jazzy: OFFSIDE.

M: No, it’s not.

Jazzy: Yes, it is. It’s off the side.

M: That’s not what offside means, Jazzy…

Jazzy: Lalalalalala.

M: Offside is when the opposing team pass-

Jazzy: Lalalalala.

M: - past the… Oh, fine. I’m going to get a biscuit.

Jazzy: OFFSIDE. 

New dictionary words 2015

Throwned. 

verb. : For those moments when the Game of Thrones gets played exceptionally well. Outstanding work with the betrayal, guys.
 

Prosbeque.

Origin : Prospect. Barbeque. Noun. : No-one say anything. The sun appears to be coming towards us. If we stand close enough, there could be hotdogs. "I might have everyone over for a prosbeque. Oh shit, too soon."
 

Hatlantis.

Noun. : The realm that summer hats escape to when they've had enough. Synonyms: back of the wardrobe, under the bed, some dry cave somewhere.

 

Unicornucopia.

Noun. : A land of polite, good-natured unicorns; far from reality.

Insults

If your comebacks are 'you're ugly' or 'you're fat', I'll reset you to factory mode. You're not ready for conversation.

Magic

Me: How does your mane glisten like that?

Jazzy: It's magic.

Me: And…where did that tree house come from? Are those turrets?

Jazzy: Magic.

Me: Really? No tools at all…?

Jazzy: Um, magic is my tool.

Me: …because I got the Ebay invoice. And I'm changing my passwords.  

A unicorn warns

Jazzy: I saw you looking at that field.

Me: What? You mean the meadow on the way back from town?

Jazzy: You were looking at the horses, weren't you?

Me: No...

Jazzy: Don't pretend.

Me: There were horses but-

Jazzy: They seem majestic. Just running about in the sun. You like horse riding don't you? You like the idea of trekking through the hills. It's all so peaceful. But you don’t know them like I do.

Me: I assumed horses and unicorns…

Jazzy: Were friends? Sure. It all starts friendly. Until the sun implodes and the four horses of the apocalypse arrive.

Me: I think you mean horsemen?

Jazzy: Oh yeah, humans are always in control. That's why you dribble sometimes.