Landscaping

Jazzy: Sometimes you just have to let nature take its course...
M: That's very zen- and unrelated- of you.
*sound of rushing water*
M: Did you leave the hose on?
Jazzy: No.
M: *looking out window* DID YOU DIG A TRENCH?
Jazzy: Oh. Yes.
M: Holy hell, that's meant to be a stream, isn't it?
Jazzy: Sometimes you have to help nature.
M: That's not natural!
Jazzy: Ssssh. You'll hurt the fishes' feelings.
M: You put fish in there?!
*grabs bucket and runs*

Unicorn meets Boyfriend 2

Jazzy: How would you feel if I called you Pinky?
Eric: Why would you do that?
Jazzy: We went to a petting zoo and I liked the name.
Eric: Maybe next time you'll be left there.
Jazzy: Calm down, Pinky.

Unicorn for PM

Jazzy: How do I enter next year?
M: Enter?
Jazzy: The election.
M: Umm. I'm not sure unicorns are eligible to run.
Jazzy: Of course I can run!
M: And with your police record...
Jazzy: So I can be a criminal but not a politician?
M: No, no, you can be both.
Jazzy: *nods*
M: Well, maybe not you.
Jazzy: We'll see.

ONE MONTH LATER

Jazzy: *starts Kickstarter campaign* And so if you back me for the next election, you can pick from a unicorn plushie or your dreams coming true.

Election preferences

M: Why're you cutting up the newspaper? It's not another nest is it?
Jazzy: No. I'm working out who to vote for.
M: How?
Jazzy: I'm finding pictures of all the candidates...
M: ...
Jazzy: And cutting them out...
M: ...
Jazzy: And ranking them in order of taste.
M: You're licking them like stamps? But why don't you just read the articles on their policies and-
Jazzy: *slurp*
M: Actually, is that 'The Sun'? Your way will work fine.

How do you vote?

Jazzy; So then you put the X on the paper?
M: Yes
Jazzy: And you hide it in a box?
M: We don't hide-
Jazzy: Like pirates.
M: No, for anonymity and security, not like pirates.
Jazzy: Well not in any of the cool ways.
M: What are the cool ways exactly?
Jazzy: What's the treasure?
M: It's not treasure. It's the democratic process and having your voice heard.
Jazzy: Exactly...

Unicorn and the meet-cute

Jazzy: So how did you two meet?
Eric: Well-
M: I veto that question.
Jazzy: It took three Garden Centre trips to get you a cactus.
M: Because you road-tested them by jousting and I-
Eric: We met speed-dating, actually.
Jazzy: Right, right. Small doses.

Changing the channel

M: Can we change the channel?
Jazzy: *holds up hooves*
M: Sorry, I'll change it. Where's the big remote?
Jazzy: *holds up hooves*
M: Ok, I'll look for it later. How was your day?
Jazzy: *holds up hooves*
M: You can't just keep doing that!
Jazzy: *shrugs*

Glowing Part 2

M: So you're glowing because...?
Jazzy: I'm happy, of course.
M: Awwww, oh Jazzy. I'm so glad. I know it's been an adjustment for us both but I think we've finally settled into a routine and- wait, you've stopped glowing.
Jazzy: I'm out of ice cream.

Glowing Part 1

M: Did you forget to turn off the lights in the kitchen agai- whoa, you're glowing!
Jazzy: Unicorns can do that.
M: But...why?
Jazzy: Do I ask you why your knees make that creaky sound?
M: Yes. Except you asked me if I was Pinocchio.

Second warning

Police: Sorry to interrupt, but we're investigating a series of threatening notes left in the area.

Me: Oh god. 

Police: We believe it may just be a prank gone wrong.

Me: Oh?

Police: They all read “Tell me what you did last summer.”

Jazzy: And people were scared by that?

Police: Yes.

Jazzy: Hmm...I should've said please shouldn't I?

Police: …..

Me: …..

Jazzy: I was looking for holiday recommendations!

Police: Frankly, that is a baffling use of postcards. And I had my money on you. That'll be a fine and a warning, I'm afraid.

Me: *furious silence*

Jazzy: Come on! People normally can't shut up about holidays... I just don't like the actual talking.

Unicorn and the Easter Bunny

Jazzy: What noise are rabbits meant to make?
Me: They don't. They just wiggle their noses.
Jazzy: Weird. This one snores.
Me: Who the hell is that?!
Jazzy: He said he's the Easter Bunny.
Me: That's a man in a rabbit onesie - get him out of here!
Jazzy: I was suspicious.
Me: So you invited him to sleep on our sofa?
Jazzy: Forgive me for having an imagination...
Me: GOD. JAZZY.
Jazzy: Well, I made him hop the whole way.
Easter Bunny: Urgh. So much noise...
Jazzy: He wobbled a bit. But I thought that was the drinking.

Fine wines

M: I feel old. Not old old. Just not exactly young.

Jazzy: You know I heard someone on TV say something about...aging like a fine wine.

M: Hmm...

Jazzy: Yeh. You just stick it in a cabinet until it turns up on Cash in the Attic.

Boyfriend meets unicorn

M: Ok- you wanted to meet my boyfriend. So he's coming over for dinner in a bit.

Jazzy: Finally.

M: Be nice.

Jazzy: O-k. Did you tell him to be nice too?

M: He is. And that's him- Eric!

Jazzy: You don't look like an Eric.

Eric: Cheers. You look um...very sparkly.

Jazzy: Want to play a game, Eric?

Eric: Sure.

M: …..

Eric: Ah, you're getting the light in my eyes!

Jazzy: You're meant to chase it. He's not very quick, is he?

M: Jazzy, Put. The torch. Down. 

Jazzy: This is why cats are a better option.

Pokemon: the final stage

Professor Oak: Ash, I'm concerned.

Ash Ketchum: Don't be professor, it's just my battle wrist acting up.

Professor Oak: Of course. I was actually referring to your lifestyle.

Ash: I got a bit caught up in the quest, huh?

Professor: Well, violently so, yes...

Ash: But I did it, Professor. I caught them all. I am THE Pokemon master.

Professor: Ah, that. Ash, you were very young when we first talked about quests. I regret that now-

Ash: It's ok. The pressure and the extreme independence got me here-

Professor: No, not that. You were very literal.

Ash: …

Professor: Impressionable. When I said all of the Pokemon-

Ash: But look around! Look at it.

Professor: You've created a ball pit. A massive, volatile ball pit. Do you even know which Pokemon are which?

Ash: Yes! We know every Pokemon that ever lived, right Brock?

Professor: Brock left two weeks ago. After you chased him with a harpoon in your sleep.

Ash: Oh. Fine. Pikachu will celebrate with me. Pikachu? Pikachu!

Professor: He's under that pile somewhere, isn't he? Masterful.

Family anecdon't

M: Jazzy, I'm having some family over this weekend.
Jazzy: Well, hooray for you.
M: I know yours are the other side of the rainbow...
Jazzy: Yours can't even sing a rainbow.
M: See- I think it might be best if you were out...doing something distracting...
Jazzy: Oh, so I'm not even allowed in my own house anymore.
M: It's not your-
Jazzy: You invited me to stay, didn't you?
M: Actually, I...
Jazzy: And your brother? He gets to be in the house?
M: He'll be here, yes.
Jazzy: The one that tried to ride me?
M: I said I was sorry. He's an idiot. And you didn't have to gallop through that hedge, you know.
Jazzy: I couldn't hear your directions over the screaming.

Unicorns are real

Neighbour: WHOA- I didn't think unicorns existed...
Jazzy: Did you know that you're talking out loud?
Neighbour: You talk!
Jazzy: And gore mercilessly.

Whatever happened to post

M: Jazzy, can you turn down the TV for a sec?
Jazzy: I could...
M: Ok. Well, will you?
Jazzy: Seems unlikely.
M: Come on. It's important. We need to talk about next door's mail.
Jazzy: Next door don't get any mail.
M: Yes, that's what Mr Burrow's worried about...they were expecting a package.
Jazzy: Talk to the postman.
M: We did.
Jazzy: Then you know he's a fraud.
M:...
Jazzy: I never heard back from the North Pole.
M:...
Jazzy: I signed for it, so it's mine.

Lots of love

Jazzy: I'm in love!
M: What?
Jazzy: I am.
M: Because last time you thought you were in love, they had to stop a parade.
Jazzy: It's not like that...
M: You took out a Chinese dragon. To get to the candy floss. There were kids.
Jazzy: But now I have butterflies in my stomach.
M: Aww, ok. Who from?
Jazzy: From the garden.
M:....
Jazzy: Love tastes weird. Got any candy floss?

Unicorn advice

M: I just don't know if he likes me or if he's a smiler.
Jazzy: Hmmm..
M: Or maybe he's a cad. Which is kind of both, but not in a good way.
Jazzy: Both, definitely.
M: You think? Damn.
Jazzy: Def-initely. Both sides are my good side.
M: ....
Jazzy: There are no bad colours in a rainbow.
Me: We were talking about me.
Jazzy: OH. Always left.

Jane Austen comebacks

“At first you seemed like an arrogrant arsehole, but then I thought I was wrong about you. But then I realised I have good instincts.”

“If Mr Collins, Lady Catherine De Bourgh and Caroline Bingley had a party, it would be this.”

“I'll play the pianoforte at your funeral.”

“I think I saw your true love out in that storm! Yes- keep going! He's definitely out there...”

"I don't date people that take my inheritance. As a rule."

"Yes, I'm a great reader. It keeps me from dying of small talk."