The art of briefing

M: So there's another meeting for us to 'brief' the team for the tradeshow.

P: How'd it go?

M: She's running out of ways to say “Show some enthusiasm.”

P: Maybe this time you'll act it out. With hand gestures. 

M: Definitely hand gestures. 

Being Carrie: Sex and the City deleted scenes

Carrie, take 1: And so I wondered...why do we spend so much time looking at the box of chocolates that is life, finding that perfect fit, picking just one...when we could be eating them all? God, these are good. You know that Galaxy advert? So true.

Carrie, take 2: And so I thought...disco didn't die. But the dinosaurs did. And that tells you something.

Carrie, take 3: And so I wondered...if life's full of unanswerable quandaries and you can only follow your heart...who the hell is my audience? I need some fucking direction here. Seriously, you can get this stuff from Pocahantas.  

If I knew a unicorn, for real

She'd be called Jazzy. And she'd be trouble. But I'd still want a unicorn (disclaimer: I'm not talking about people with ice-cream cones on their heads.)

Police woman with hat: Ma'am, does this unicorn belong to you?

M: She lives with me.

Jazzy the unicorn: I belong to no-one....

Police: We found her trespassing.

Jazzy: Like the wind. Or the open road.

Police: And she's been vandalising property.

Me: Jazzy!

Jazzy: I made a rainbow.

Police: You painted a mile-long rainbow down the high street.

Me: I told you- rainbows aren't magic here. You can't paint them and use them for travel.

Jazzy: You constrain me.  

Younger sister translation service

Let's go shopping.

You can drive, right?

You are so boring.

You are less cooperative than when I put the cat on a lead.

I'm going out.

I am going to walk to the edge of town/the skate park/until not even Google knows where I am.

I hate walking.

There's no signal here. Let's go inside instead.

It's not so much that she speaks an entirely different language- more that she really makes you work hard to talk. Like a personal trainer mixed with a ventriloquist. 

Errands with a dinosaur

M: Gee, Rexy, what big claws you've got.

Rexy: RAWR

M: Wow- your teeth are massive too.

Rexy: RAWR

M: What're you trying to reach, boy? You're gonna give yourself a back-ache leaning over me like that.

Rexy: RAWR

M: Just tell me what you want from the bottom shelf.

Rexy: …

M: This is why we order online.