Fine wines

M: I feel old. Not old old. Just not exactly young.

Jazzy: You know I heard someone on TV say something about...aging like a fine wine.

M: Hmm...

Jazzy: Yeh. You just stick it in a cabinet until it turns up on Cash in the Attic.

Boyfriend meets unicorn

M: Ok- you wanted to meet my boyfriend. So he's coming over for dinner in a bit.

Jazzy: Finally.

M: Be nice.

Jazzy: O-k. Did you tell him to be nice too?

M: He is. And that's him- Eric!

Jazzy: You don't look like an Eric.

Eric: Cheers. You look um...very sparkly.

Jazzy: Want to play a game, Eric?

Eric: Sure.

M: …..

Eric: Ah, you're getting the light in my eyes!

Jazzy: You're meant to chase it. He's not very quick, is he?

M: Jazzy, Put. The torch. Down. 

Jazzy: This is why cats are a better option.

Pokemon: the final stage

Professor Oak: Ash, I'm concerned.

Ash Ketchum: Don't be professor, it's just my battle wrist acting up.

Professor Oak: Of course. I was actually referring to your lifestyle.

Ash: I got a bit caught up in the quest, huh?

Professor: Well, violently so, yes...

Ash: But I did it, Professor. I caught them all. I am THE Pokemon master.

Professor: Ah, that. Ash, you were very young when we first talked about quests. I regret that now-

Ash: It's ok. The pressure and the extreme independence got me here-

Professor: No, not that. You were very literal.

Ash: …

Professor: Impressionable. When I said all of the Pokemon-

Ash: But look around! Look at it.

Professor: You've created a ball pit. A massive, volatile ball pit. Do you even know which Pokemon are which?

Ash: Yes! We know every Pokemon that ever lived, right Brock?

Professor: Brock left two weeks ago. After you chased him with a harpoon in your sleep.

Ash: Oh. Fine. Pikachu will celebrate with me. Pikachu? Pikachu!

Professor: He's under that pile somewhere, isn't he? Masterful.

Family anecdon't

M: Jazzy, I'm having some family over this weekend.
Jazzy: Well, hooray for you.
M: I know yours are the other side of the rainbow...
Jazzy: Yours can't even sing a rainbow.
M: See- I think it might be best if you were out...doing something distracting...
Jazzy: Oh, so I'm not even allowed in my own house anymore.
M: It's not your-
Jazzy: You invited me to stay, didn't you?
M: Actually, I...
Jazzy: And your brother? He gets to be in the house?
M: He'll be here, yes.
Jazzy: The one that tried to ride me?
M: I said I was sorry. He's an idiot. And you didn't have to gallop through that hedge, you know.
Jazzy: I couldn't hear your directions over the screaming.

Unicorns are real

Neighbour: WHOA- I didn't think unicorns existed...
Jazzy: Did you know that you're talking out loud?
Neighbour: You talk!
Jazzy: And gore mercilessly.

Whatever happened to post

M: Jazzy, can you turn down the TV for a sec?
Jazzy: I could...
M: Ok. Well, will you?
Jazzy: Seems unlikely.
M: Come on. It's important. We need to talk about next door's mail.
Jazzy: Next door don't get any mail.
M: Yes, that's what Mr Burrow's worried about...they were expecting a package.
Jazzy: Talk to the postman.
M: We did.
Jazzy: Then you know he's a fraud.
M:...
Jazzy: I never heard back from the North Pole.
M:...
Jazzy: I signed for it, so it's mine.

Lots of love

Jazzy: I'm in love!
M: What?
Jazzy: I am.
M: Because last time you thought you were in love, they had to stop a parade.
Jazzy: It's not like that...
M: You took out a Chinese dragon. To get to the candy floss. There were kids.
Jazzy: But now I have butterflies in my stomach.
M: Aww, ok. Who from?
Jazzy: From the garden.
M:....
Jazzy: Love tastes weird. Got any candy floss?

Unicorn advice

M: I just don't know if he likes me or if he's a smiler.
Jazzy: Hmmm..
M: Or maybe he's a cad. Which is kind of both, but not in a good way.
Jazzy: Both, definitely.
M: You think? Damn.
Jazzy: Def-initely. Both sides are my good side.
M: ....
Jazzy: There are no bad colours in a rainbow.
Me: We were talking about me.
Jazzy: OH. Always left.

Jane Austen comebacks

“At first you seemed like an arrogrant arsehole, but then I thought I was wrong about you. But then I realised I have good instincts.”

“If Mr Collins, Lady Catherine De Bourgh and Caroline Bingley had a party, it would be this.”

“I'll play the pianoforte at your funeral.”

“I think I saw your true love out in that storm! Yes- keep going! He's definitely out there...”

"I don't date people that take my inheritance. As a rule."

"Yes, I'm a great reader. It keeps me from dying of small talk."

Fancy Snacks

Me: Jazzy, are you ready?
Jazzy: Hold on!
Me: Wait, are you in the kitchen? Come on, we were meant to be there ages ago...What're you doing?
Jazzy: Finishing my costume.
Me: ...I thought we were going as snack food.
Jazzy: Ta-da.
Me: You're covered in icing sugar.
Jazzy: I'm sweet-corn!
Me: Great. I'm going to be a pretzel next to baking-gone-wrong.

Unicorns and football

Jazzy: OFFSIDE.

M: No, it’s not.

Jazzy: Yes, it is. It’s off the side.

M: That’s not what offside means, Jazzy…

Jazzy: Lalalalalala.

M: Offside is when the opposing team pass-

Jazzy: Lalalalala.

M: - past the… Oh, fine. I’m going to get a biscuit.

Jazzy: OFFSIDE. 

New dictionary words 2015

Throwned. 

verb. : For those moments when the Game of Thrones gets played exceptionally well. Outstanding work with the betrayal, guys.
 

Prosbeque.

Origin : Prospect. Barbeque. Noun. : No-one say anything. The sun appears to be coming towards us. If we stand close enough, there could be hotdogs. "I might have everyone over for a prosbeque. Oh shit, too soon."
 

Hatlantis.

Noun. : The realm that summer hats escape to when they've had enough. Synonyms: back of the wardrobe, under the bed, some dry cave somewhere.

 

Unicornucopia.

Noun. : A land of polite, good-natured unicorns; far from reality.

Insults

If your comebacks are 'you're ugly' or 'you're fat', I'll reset you to factory mode. You're not ready for conversation.

Magic

Me: How does your mane glisten like that?

Jazzy: It's magic.

Me: And…where did that tree house come from? Are those turrets?

Jazzy: Magic.

Me: Really? No tools at all…?

Jazzy: Um, magic is my tool.

Me: …because I got the Ebay invoice. And I'm changing my passwords.  

A unicorn warns

Jazzy: I saw you looking at that field.

Me: What? You mean the meadow on the way back from town?

Jazzy: You were looking at the horses, weren't you?

Me: No...

Jazzy: Don't pretend.

Me: There were horses but-

Jazzy: They seem majestic. Just running about in the sun. You like horse riding don't you? You like the idea of trekking through the hills. It's all so peaceful. But you don’t know them like I do.

Me: I assumed horses and unicorns…

Jazzy: Were friends? Sure. It all starts friendly. Until the sun implodes and the four horses of the apocalypse arrive.

Me: I think you mean horsemen?

Jazzy: Oh yeah, humans are always in control. That's why you dribble sometimes.  

Rum is about to have a bad day

Rum: Oh. Hi.

Me: Hey there. How’re you doing?

Rum: What day is this?

Me: Tuesday.

Rum: I don’t normally do Tuesdays.

Me: And we’ve been missing out, my friend. We’re going to do Tuesdays from now on, big-time.

Rum: Ok, cool. We going out? Who’s coming?

Me: Nah. We don’t need people. Tuesdays are Choose Days. And I choose you!

Rum: Right…

Me: Ooh. Ooh. Let’s toast. *gulps* To the guy who’s been with me since Christmas (in the back of that cupboard), tastes grrr-eat with mint, and makes me feel like a pir-ate…

Rum: There’s someone else in here, isn’t there?

White wine: *muffled* Shut up, man. I won’t last the night.

Me: TO RUM! 

Chats with Voldemort

Voldemort: I will be the most powerful wizard that ever lived.

Narrator: Except for one small boy.

Voldemort: Who will soon die.

Narrator: I don't know...he seems tricksy. Like a fly in a window.

Voldemort: But I am all-powerful and immortal, you pathetic muggle. 

Narrator: Yeah- about that. I understand the “not putting all of your soul in one basket” thing but maybe you're spreading yourself a bit thin?

Voldemort: It is the price of absolute power.

Narrator: Really? I thought that was your face.

Voldemort: hiss

Narrator: It's a look. Very scary- I like it. You've just undergone quite a radical change... I mean, when you were Tom Riddle you were handsome and awful-

Voldemort: hiss

Narrator: Alright, alright. Why are evil people so irritable? I wouldn't count on immortality with that blood pressure.

Running for the weak-willed and impulsive

00:30: Huh. This is new and not necessarily unpleasant.

01:00: I’m running. Hey, man with dog. Hello, boy with balloon. Excuse me, everyone, but I am much faster than your current pace.

01:10: Ah, a fellow runner. Better speed up so they know we’re in this together.

01:15: Annnnd they’re gone.

01:45: Why do I walk? I’ll never be late again! Pro-tip.

02:00: Maybe this is my thing. THIS. I’m a gazelle, bambi- the latter years. EYE OF THE TIGER. I’m gonna run up steps. In your face, river.

02:15: MNH…thrill…UG…GH...fight….MN…

02:35: Walkers. Many walkers. Must not stop. For god’s sake, don’t breathe like a dragon.

02:45: Yeah, this is slow-motion running. For stretching. And zombies. See that? Precision + exercise= exercision.

03:00: Oh hi, strolling family. I’m fine- just cooling down. The pavement is cooler, you see.

1 hour later: Maybe I’m a gymnast. I mean, how do I know I can’t somersault?

A unicorn and a pet

Jazzy: Who are you? 

Cat: Miiaow.

Jazzy: Ok. I was being polite. Move now.

Cat: Yow…miayow.

Jazzy: How did you get in here? This had better not be one of those toy-come-to-life incidents again.

Cat:

Jazzy: No. You’re not magical. Oh my god- your hair is a mess but that’s not helping. Hey, where’re you going?

Cat:

Jazzy: Wait. You have your own private entrance? I don’t even get a key.

Later

Me: Jazzy, I brought tacos for- what’s that noise? Are you nailing the cat flap shut?

Jazzy: The “cat” was trespassing. You’re welcome. 

 Sister translation service: 'We're fighting because...'

• I asked a question about school. School is boring
• I asked a question about something we're not talking about.
• I asked why. Which is a step too far.
• I can't find certain clothes. She doesn't like the insinuation.
• She's wearing the top she didn't borrow.
• She's getting a rabbit. I'm surprised.
• The cat likes me better. (I’m not surprised.)
• She enters the room. I leave the room. These facts are unrelated.
• I used her name in a conversation. She does not approve.
• I wrote this list. (Ok, this one’s kind of understandable…)

Unicorn decor

Jazzy: Nothing. NOTHING. Feels as good as this recliner.

Me: God! Did you re-organise the furniture again?

Jazzy: It's happier this way.

Me: You ripped an arm off the sofa. 

The art of briefing

M: So there's another meeting for us to 'brief' the team for the tradeshow.

P: How'd it go?

M: She's running out of ways to say “Show some enthusiasm.”

P: Maybe this time you'll act it out. With hand gestures. 

M: Definitely hand gestures. 

Being Carrie: Sex and the City deleted scenes

Carrie, take 1: And so I wondered...why do we spend so much time looking at the box of chocolates that is life, finding that perfect fit, picking just one...when we could be eating them all? God, these are good. You know that Galaxy advert? So true.

Carrie, take 2: And so I thought...disco didn't die. But the dinosaurs did. And that tells you something.

Carrie, take 3: And so I wondered...if life's full of unanswerable quandaries and you can only follow your heart...who the hell is my audience? I need some fucking direction here. Seriously, you can get this stuff from Pocahantas.  

If I knew a unicorn, for real

She'd be called Jazzy. And she'd be trouble. But I'd still want a unicorn (disclaimer: I'm not talking about people with ice-cream cones on their heads.)

Police woman with hat: Ma'am, does this unicorn belong to you?

M: She lives with me.

Jazzy the unicorn: I belong to no-one....

Police: We found her trespassing.

Jazzy: Like the wind. Or the open road.

Police: And she's been vandalising property.

Me: Jazzy!

Jazzy: I made a rainbow.

Police: You painted a mile-long rainbow down the high street.

Me: I told you- rainbows aren't magic here. You can't paint them and use them for travel.

Jazzy: You constrain me.  

Younger sister translation service

Let's go shopping.

You can drive, right?

You are so boring.

You are less cooperative than when I put the cat on a lead.

I'm going out.

I am going to walk to the edge of town/the skate park/until not even Google knows where I am.

I hate walking.

There's no signal here. Let's go inside instead.

It's not so much that she speaks an entirely different language- more that she really makes you work hard to talk. Like a personal trainer mixed with a ventriloquist. 

Errands with a dinosaur

M: Gee, Rexy, what big claws you've got.

Rexy: RAWR

M: Wow- your teeth are massive too.

Rexy: RAWR

M: What're you trying to reach, boy? You're gonna give yourself a back-ache leaning over me like that.

Rexy: RAWR

M: Just tell me what you want from the bottom shelf.

Rexy: …

M: This is why we order online.