Insults

If your comebacks are 'you're ugly' or 'you're fat', I'll reset you to factory mode. You're not ready for conversation.

Magic

Me: How does your mane glisten like that?

Jazzy: It's magic.

Me: And…where did that tree house come from? Are those turrets?

Jazzy: Magic.

Me: Really? No tools at all…?

Jazzy: Um, magic is my tool.

Me: …because I got the Ebay invoice. And I'm changing my passwords.  

A unicorn warns

Jazzy: I saw you looking at that field.

Me: What? You mean the meadow on the way back from town?

Jazzy: You were looking at the horses, weren't you?

Me: No...

Jazzy: Don't pretend.

Me: There were horses but-

Jazzy: They seem majestic. Just running about in the sun. You like horse riding don't you? You like the idea of trekking through the hills. It's all so peaceful. But you don’t know them like I do.

Me: I assumed horses and unicorns…

Jazzy: Were friends? Sure. It all starts friendly. Until the sun implodes and the four horses of the apocalypse arrive.

Me: I think you mean horsemen?

Jazzy: Oh yeah, humans are always in control. That's why you dribble sometimes.  

Rum is about to have a bad day

Rum: Oh. Hi.

Me: Hey there. How’re you doing?

Rum: What day is this?

Me: Tuesday.

Rum: I don’t normally do Tuesdays.

Me: And we’ve been missing out, my friend. We’re going to do Tuesdays from now on, big-time.

Rum: Ok, cool. We going out? Who’s coming?

Me: Nah. We don’t need people. Tuesdays are Choose Days. And I choose you!

Rum: Right…

Me: Ooh. Ooh. Let’s toast. *gulps* To the guy who’s been with me since Christmas (in the back of that cupboard), tastes grrr-eat with mint, and makes me feel like a pir-ate…

Rum: There’s someone else in here, isn’t there?

White wine: *muffled* Shut up, man. I won’t last the night.

Me: TO RUM! 

Chats with Voldemort

Voldemort: I will be the most powerful wizard that ever lived.

Narrator: Except for one small boy.

Voldemort: Who will soon die.

Narrator: I don't know...he seems tricksy. Like a fly in a window.

Voldemort: But I am all-powerful and immortal, you pathetic muggle. 

Narrator: Yeah- about that. I understand the “not putting all of your soul in one basket” thing but maybe you're spreading yourself a bit thin?

Voldemort: It is the price of absolute power.

Narrator: Really? I thought that was your face.

Voldemort: hiss

Narrator: It's a look. Very scary- I like it. You've just undergone quite a radical change... I mean, when you were Tom Riddle you were handsome and awful-

Voldemort: hiss

Narrator: Alright, alright. Why are evil people so irritable? I wouldn't count on immortality with that blood pressure.

Running for the weak-willed and impulsive

00:30: Huh. This is new and not necessarily unpleasant.

01:00: I’m running. Hey, man with dog. Hello, boy with balloon. Excuse me, everyone, but I am much faster than your current pace.

01:10: Ah, a fellow runner. Better speed up so they know we’re in this together.

01:15: Annnnd they’re gone.

01:45: Why do I walk? I’ll never be late again! Pro-tip.

02:00: Maybe this is my thing. THIS. I’m a gazelle, bambi- the latter years. EYE OF THE TIGER. I’m gonna run up steps. In your face, river.

02:15: MNH…thrill…UG…GH...fight….MN…

02:35: Walkers. Many walkers. Must not stop. For god’s sake, don’t breathe like a dragon.

02:45: Yeah, this is slow-motion running. For stretching. And zombies. See that? Precision + exercise= exercision.

03:00: Oh hi, strolling family. I’m fine- just cooling down. The pavement is cooler, you see.

1 hour later: Maybe I’m a gymnast. I mean, how do I know I can’t somersault?

A unicorn and a pet

Jazzy: Who are you? 

Cat: Miiaow.

Jazzy: Ok. I was being polite. Move now.

Cat: Yow…miayow.

Jazzy: How did you get in here? This had better not be one of those toy-come-to-life incidents again.

Cat:

Jazzy: No. You’re not magical. Oh my god- your hair is a mess but that’s not helping. Hey, where’re you going?

Cat:

Jazzy: Wait. You have your own private entrance? I don’t even get a key.

Later

Me: Jazzy, I brought tacos for- what’s that noise? Are you nailing the cat flap shut?

Jazzy: The “cat” was trespassing. You’re welcome. 

 Sister translation service: 'We're fighting because...'

• I asked a question about school. School is boring
• I asked a question about something we're not talking about.
• I asked why. Which is a step too far.
• I can't find certain clothes. She doesn't like the insinuation.
• She's wearing the top she didn't borrow.
• She's getting a rabbit. I'm surprised.
• The cat likes me better. (I’m not surprised.)
• She enters the room. I leave the room. These facts are unrelated.
• I used her name in a conversation. She does not approve.
• I wrote this list. (Ok, this one’s kind of understandable…)

Unicorn decor

Jazzy: Nothing. NOTHING. Feels as good as this recliner.

Me: God! Did you re-organise the furniture again?

Jazzy: It's happier this way.

Me: You ripped an arm off the sofa.